stubborn ears will hear no sound

summer rules. well, this summer has been totally ruling. i’ve never felt so free and alive and ready for anything. i’ve done so much incredible nothing that i could die. literally. no, not literally. but i’ve reconnected with so many old friends and really started to enjoy the small pleasures in life, like chilling on my deck until the wee hours with one old friend, one joint, and two beers. i can’t emphasize enough how free i am, and how free i feel. i’ve met so many remarkable people as well, this summer. so many! i’ve had a shit-ton of experiences, a shit-ton of hangovers, and shit-ton of killer memories. what’s nuts is that it’s still july and i already feel i’ve had a fulfilling summer. school’s stressing me the FUCK out. all my plans have been thrown in a blender— i have no idea what i’m going to grad school for anymore. the only thing that stays solid is heading way south or way west. that, i’m sure of. i had a dream about a new piece for my inner left bicep. COMING SOON

stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress. I DESERVE TO BE FUCKING HAPPY. i just want all this shit to melt away so i can just. be. happy. let me be happy, please.

“we really are an extraordinary bunch”

five adults sitting on one double bed talking about our crazy weekends. laughing nonstop. making fun of each other. talking about new loves and love woes. this is the lyfe. i really am blessed, as we all are, for having such fantastic, love-filled friendships.

things are looking up

i’m all over the place. i can’t focus. this is such a strange time in my life.

it’s gotta get better from here on out. it’s gotta, right? always been a optimistic. always been positive. “love lost will not lose me.” i gotta snap out of this. i Am looking forward to what/who comes next. i really am. i just feel like it’s been so long since i’ve had to start at the beginning. the exciting stuff is the scary stuff for me.

the summer’s gotta come faster. i can’t wait to loaf around town and ride my bike to the beach. maybe the summer will bring good things.

i gotta open up to more people. sure, i am super social and i love people, but like, really opening up has proved pretty fucking difficult for me. i guess it’s all the times i’ve gotten fucked by friends in the past.

kim noticed that. i get lonely. a lot. and it’s not that i don’t have great friends, it’s just that the only person i’ve really let in has been her. i’m not sure how to make friends. good go-to friends. again, it’s not that i don’t have the potential to have that with a lot of people, it’s that i don’t know how to let go and trust.

maybe it’s time for a new tattoo. that’s usually what happens when i feel stuck.

GET UNSTUCK, JESS

If you’re still looking for a blanket
Sweetie, I’m sorry, I’m no sort of fabric
But if you need a tailor
Then take your torn shirt, and stumble up my stairs
And mumble your pitiful prayers
And in your tangled night’s sleep, our midnight needles go to work
Until all comfort and fear flows in one river
Down on the shelf by the mirror where you see yourself whole
And it makes you shiver

i guess i’m kind of getting used to the idea that everything i write is posted onto facebook….

well, those who care…

sue is still alive? she devoured some peas this evening and allowed me to shoot some gatorade down her throat. i guess that’s a semigood thing, no?

i went to the bar tonight. it was a lot of fun. i have a couple of friends who want to go into the city tomorrow to like the biggest dance club ever. the only thing is we have to drink all night, stay up until the morning,  and then train back to the rising sun. i just don’t know if i’m mentally and physically capable.

i guess it’s better than albany.

see you

i longest relationship just came to a final end. we broke up months ago, but found it too easy to act like nothing happened than to deal with the reality that we were no longer good for each other. and so it was recently decided that we should separate our lives for real this time.

it would have been okay until she told me she was looking forward to falling in love again.

it just feels too soon for me. maybe i’m being a baby, but i don’t want to feel like i have no time to adjust- even though we should have been adjusting for months now.

whatever. i did my share of crying. i gotta get used to this. i’m a big girl, a “strong black woman” as john would say. gotta take care of myself. and so i’m taking this as an opportunity to get back to me- to get happy- to find my own peace.

i don’t know if i want a new relationship, but i want to get crushes. i want to feel sexy and desirable again. fuck, as much as its going to suck getting back to school (where we share an apartment with 4 other friends) where we both have to deal with this reality, maybe it came at the right time. summer’s right around the corner and i plan on spending much of season at the shore where i don’t have to deal with it.

who knows- maybe this is good. i mean, of course it’s good. idfk, i’m just trying to make sense of this madness.

we have great chemistry- we both truly, honestly believe that we have the chemistry to be the best of friends. maybe once all the sore feelings pass we can and will be. that’d be great.

wow, this is good. i haven’t written in ages.

on a shittier note, my pet rat is really sick. i take such good care of my girls, but sue, for some reason, has gotten so sick this time that antibiotics wont help. she’s having a hard time breathing. i went to southern california with my dad for the week and while i was away, my mom took sue to the vet twice where a chest xray showed clear lungs! i really thought it was a respiratory infection like the first time, but it isn’t. but she’s having a real difficult time breathing and eating. it’s so sad. she lost too much weight. there’s something blocking her breathing but her airway is too small for a vet to get into. he hooked her up with some fluids and some steroids to take the swelling out of her throat. it seems to be helping a little.

and every day i cry and say today’s the day i will put her down, so she doesn’t have to suffer anymore, and then by mid-day, she’s bouncing around with the spunk she’s always had!

i’ve been syringe feeding her gatorade (because she’s super dehydrated) and apple sauce/ ensure/ baby good/ rice pudding/ anything mushy and sweet that she’ll want to try to eat.

i love her so much. it’s so sad. my dad keeps saying to take it day by day, so i don’t put her down if it’s too soon. i just don’t want her to be in pain, you know? she’s sleeping next to me wrapped in my blankets. i can hear her struggling to breath. my poor baby.